Thursday, 28 March 2013

Hindi XXX Jokes


Sex Education

Sunny: Papa, aaj se school mein ek period Sex Education ka bhi shuru ho gaya hai.
Papa: Good! Lekin tum Lulli kyon hila rahe ho?
Sunny: Madam ne homework diya hai.





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Tansen ki Chaa



To bhaiyon yeh baat hai Akbar ke zamane ki.
Usne 9 chutiye paal rakhe the. Popularly known as his 9 ratans!!!
Birbal aur Tansen me bada competition raha karta tha.
Ek din gusse me aake Tansen kehta hai ki "Ab faisla ho hi jaye ki kaun zyada bada akalmand hai? Main shart lagata hoon ki main Jodha Bai ke mammey choos sakta hoon"
Birbal ki has has ke gaand me dard ho gaya. Kehta hai ki "Agar tune aisa kar diya to agle din bhari sabha mein main nangaa aaunga"
Bas fir hona kya tha lag gayi shart.
Tansen gaya bazaar ek sapere ke paas. Kehta hai ki "Bhai, mujhe ek saanp chahiye, untrained aur bina zehar ke hona chahiye".
Saanp khareed ke Tansen usko ghar pe training dena shuru karta hai. Ek aadmi ka putla banake saanp ko kehta hai "Beta Sappu uske tang pe kaat". To sappu putle ke taang pe jake das leta hai. Aise hi training karte karte sappu Tansen ka ishara dekh kar taang, haath, gala, ityadi ko dasna seekh jaata hai. Jahan bhi Tansen ishara karta, Sappu waha das leta. Training karke sappu ab taiyar ho gaya Big Day ke liye.
Ab baat aisi thi ki Akbar aur Jodha bai har subah apne bageeche me sair ke liye nikalte the. Agle din subah Tansen bhi apne sappu ke saath bageeche me ja pahuncha aur jhadiyon me chhip gaya.
Jahaan panah aur begum ko aata dekh tansen ne sappu ko phat se nikalke zameen pe chhod diya aur ishara Jodha bai ke mammon ki taraf karke bola. "Beta Sappu dikha apna kamaal ja das le rani ke Mammon ko." Sappu phat se gaya, begum ki taang par chadh ke, mansal Jangho se gujerke chut ko par kar ke seedha ja pahunchta hai mammon ke beech vali khai me vaha se plan ke mutabik seedha left turn le ke chadh jata hai top pe aur ek second mein saali ko das leta hai nipple pe!
Jodha chikhne lagi "Arey jahanpanah kuchh keriye"
Akbar to paagal ho gaya "Arre bachao koi bachao meri begum ko saanp ne das liya koi Bachao"
Tabhi Tansen nikla jhadiyon se, bhaag ke gaya aur bola "Jahan panah ek upaay hai mere paas rani sahebaan ko bachane ka. Mein agar zehar choos kar bahar nikal doon to aap gussa hokar meri gand to naahi katwa denge na.
Akbar bola "Jo bhi karna hai jaldi karo but meri begum ko bacha lo."
Phir kya tha Tansen ne phat se Jodha bai ko pakda, uske kapde fade aur mammey bahar nikal kar chhosne laga. Poore ke poore choos dale.
Birbal ne ye baat suni to uski gaand se maano Rocket guzar gaya. Man hi man sochne laga Bhenchod kal to lut gayee izzat, bhare darbaar me nang dhadang jaana padega. Usne khoob socha, baal khujlaye lekin no idea. Gaand jab khujayee to idea Lund ki tarah uchhal kar bahar aaya.
Agle din darbaar laga, Akbar ne sabke samne Tansen ki tareef ki aur kaha agar tansen me zehar choosne ki shakti nahi hoti to Jahan panah aaj randwe hote aur akele apne aap hilaa rahe hote.
Tansen on the other hand cud not wait for Birbal to make an appearance. Khushi ke maare pagal ho raha tha ye soch kar ki jab Birbal bhare darbaar me nanga hokar aayega to Akbar sharm se paani paani ho jayega, YESSS. Aur Wo birbal ke gaand pe itne hunter maarenge ki Birbal ki 7 pushte muh se hagegi.
Tabhi darbaar me hulchul machi, sabne dekha ki Birbal nanga hokar, apna lund haath me pakde, daudta hua aa raha hai. Bas phir hona kya tha Akbar gusse se laal ho gaya "Birbal ye kya gustakhi hai? Teri himmat kaise hui aise nange aane ki."
Birbal bola "Haye Jahan panah mai mar gaya mujhe saap ne kaat liya mere lund pe."
Akbar bola "Oh my god, Tansen ja choos Birbal ka lund"

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Gandpatrai…..

A Bihari GANPAT-RAI (who really needs a job) is being interviewed by Britisher, Colonel Smith.
Col. Smith: Haan toh Gaand Fat rahai (Ganpat-Rai) !!
Bihari: Nahi sir, Zyada nahi!!
Col. Smith: Kya ‘zyada nahi’ bolta hai, tumhara application mein likha Hua hai Gand fat rahai.
Bihari : Theekh hai mai baap, likha hai to fat raha hoga.
Col. Smith: Tum Daily marata hai (tum delhi me rahta hai)?
Bihari : Nahi sir, kabhi kabhi!!
Col. Smith: Gand fatrahai, idhar aao, kya ‘kabhi kabhi’ bolta hai? Tumhara application mein likha hua hai ki tum Daily marata hai.
Bihari : Theek hai mai bap, likha hai to marta honga.
The Bihari was employed on one condition that he will do whatever Col.Smith’s family asks him to do.
Col. Smith: Gand fatrahai!!
Ganpatrai : Ji maalik.
Col. Smith: Aaj tum ko 3 kaam karnee kaa haai
Ganpatrai : Hukum Sarkaar
Col. Smith: Tum pehla hamaari beti ko chodenga (drop her off)…baad mein hamaari biwi ko chodenga…aur uske baad mein hum ko chodenga.
Ganpatrai : Maaf karna Sarkaar, tumhari biwi aur beti to theek hai, lekin main aap ko nahi choddh sakta.
Col.Smith: Gand fatrahai! Tum ko hum ko chodnaa padhega.
Ganpatrai : Nahi sarkaar aisa zulum naa kare.
Col. Smith: Gand fatrahai, agar tum hum ko nahi chod sakta to hum tumko nokri se nikaal denga.
Ganpatrai : Theek hai sarkaar ….jo hukum. After a few days There is no one except
Col.Smith’swife at home. She is alone in her bedroom.While wearing her bra she is unable to Tie the knot behind.So……
Wife : Gand fatrahai, idhar aaoo?
Ganpatrai : Ji Maalkin.
Wife : Gand fatrahai, hammara peeche se gaand maaro (gaanth maro-tie the bra knot).
Ganpatrai : Yeh kya keh rahi hai Maalkin??
Wife : Gand fatrahai, jaldi se gaand maaro hum ko late hota hai.

Ganpatrai : Nahi Nahi Maalkin. Agar maine aisa kiya to hum ko sarkar kacha kha jayenge.
Wife : Gand fatrahai, agar tumne jaldi se hamari gaand nahi maari to hum tumko kacha kha jaayengi.
Ganpatrai : Theek hai maalkin. Jo hukum. Ganpatrai who has been frustrated by these Brits for a long time starts like a bull. Panic striken the wife tries to turn and shouts :
Wife : GAND FATRAHAI, GAND FATRAHAI, GAND FATRAHAI !!! Ganpatrai :Memsaab…Gaand maarega to Gaand to phatega hiiiiiiiiiii

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Chaman Bhai Ka Area
Ek area mein Bhai rehta hai, Chaman Bhai..
Ab uskey area mein jo bhi koi lafda hota hai to police se pehle Chaman Bhai ki adalat mein jaata hai….
Ek baar Chaman Bhai ke area mein rape ho jata hai, aur jisney game bajayi hoti hai ukso pakad ke Chaman Bhai ke paas leke jatey hain…
Chaman Bhai pehley to bahut shanti se, style mein, us sey baat karta hai… kuch is tarah se…
Chaman : Kya re? Tere ko maloom nahi yeh apun ka area hai?
Mujrim : Haan maloom hai na bhai.
Chaman : Phir kaise himmat ki rape karne ki apun ke area mein?
Mujrim : Ab kya boloon bhai, kismat kharab thi.
Chaman : Chal mere ko sub kuchh sach sach bata kya aur kaise hua?
Mujrim : Abhi kya na… idhar naake pe apun paan khane ke liye aaya…
Chaman : Phir?
Murjim : Apun khade hoke paan kharela tha… aur utne mein samne wali building pe apun ki nazar gayi…
Chaman : Aage bol
Mujrim : Udhar teesre maale pe ek chikni khadi hui thi
Chaman : Phir kya hua?
Mujrim : Apun ko aisa laga ke usne ishaara kiya aane ke liye..
Chaman : Phir tune kya kiya?
Mujrim : Apun socha ke kuchh kaam hoyenga usko…. to apun builidng ke neeche gaya
Chaman : Phir?
Mujrim : Usne Ishare se apun ko upar bulaaya… apun seedi chadte yehich sochrela tha "Chaman Bhai ka area hai….. Lafda nahi karne ka”
Chaman : Chal fatafat aage bol
Mujrim : Apun ne usko jaake bola…. kya kaam hai.. kaiko ishara kiya apun ko?
Chaman : Phir?
Mujrim : Phir kya bhai, apun ko usne ghar ke andar kheech liya
Chaman : (Excited) Phir?
Mujrim : Apun ghar me to chala gaya lekin soch raha tha ki "Chaman Bhai ka area hai….. Lafda nahi karne ka”
Chaman : Aage bol
Mujrim : Usne apun ka haath pakad liya
Chaman : Achcha… Phir?
Mujrim : Sachchi bolta hai bhai haath pakadte hi apun phir socha "Chaman Bhai ka area hai….. Lafda nahi karne ka”
Chaman : Phir kya hua?
Mujrim : Phir kya tha… Usne bola chikne meri pyaas bujha de
Chaman : Phir tu kya bola (Getting Excited)?
Mujrim : Apun kya bolta, usne apna duppata neechey gira diya
Chaman : To phir kya hua?
Mujrim : Apun ke dimag ki dahi ho gaya, kya mamme (boobs) the saali ke…lekin bhai phir bhi apun socha "Chaman Bhai ka area hai….. Lafda nahi karne ka”
Chaman : Phir tune kya kiya?
Mujrim : Apun bola ek-do kiss karega aur chala jayega….. zyada boli to body kaam karenga lekin engine nahi kholney ka…. Aakhir, "Chaman Bhai ka area hai….. Lafda nahi karne ka”
Chaman : To phir?
Mujrim : Usne apun ko kheech liya…. sacchi bolta hai bhai aisi katil jawaani apun akkhi life me nahi dekha.
Chaman : Haan, woh to hai…. Tu aage bol (Starts to heat up)
Mujrim : Phir kya tha…. apun ne kiss kiya, mamme (boobs) bhi dabaya…. lekin imaan se bolta hai, soch raha tha "Chaman Bhai ka area hai….. Lafda nahi karne ka”
Chaman : Aage bol?
Mujrim : Phir usne apni kameez utar di
Chaman : Phir?
Mujrim : Phir salwar, lekin apun ke dil me ekich khayal aa raha tha "Chaman Bhai ka area hai….. Lafda nahi karne ka”
Chaman : Aage aage?
Mujrim : Phir blouse aur chaddi saali ne sab utar di
Chaman : Sahi mein?
Mujrim : Phir meri pant kheech li.
Chaman : Achcha?
Mujrim : Meri underwear mein haath dal diya.
Chaman : Oh !!
Mujrim : Chaddi utar di meri, lekin apun phir bhi socha "Chaman Bhai k! a area hai….. Lafda nahi karne ka”
Chaman : (Getting frustrated).
Mujrim : Phir woh haath phiraane lagi.
Chaman : (Half Boiling)
Mujrim : Phir mooh ghumaane lagi….. phir bhi apun yehi soch raha tha "Chaman Bhai ka area hai….. Lafda nahi karne ka”
Chaman: (About to blast) Aage… aage bol sale….
Mujrim: Chumney Chatney lagi bhaaaaiiii…..lekin bhai kasam se……main yehi soch raha tha "Chaman Bhai ka area hai….. Lafda nahi karne ka”
Chaman: Abbe teri to…. Chaman Bhai Gaya Maa Chudaney….. tu aage bol!
Mujrim : Yehich…… yehich – apun ne bhi yehi socha bhai…..aur game baja dala.!!!
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Baloon Size

Son: (pointing to the breast) Mom ye kya hai?
Mom: Ye balloon hai.
Son: Mom aapke balloon kamwali ke balloon se chhote kyun hain?
Mom: Tune kamwali ke kab dekhe?
Son: Jab papa hawa bhar rahe the.




Munna - Munni Duet
Munni woh din yaad karo
Jab hum tum sath nahate the,
Tum chut pe sabun malti thi ,
Hum land pe jhag udate the.
Munna woh din beet gaye ,
Jab hum tum sath nahate the,
Ab chut chupane ki bari hai,
Munni bharat ki nari hai.

Munni woh din yaad karo
Jab hum tum sath sote the,
Tum chut mein kheti karti thi ,
Hum land pe ganne bote the.
Munna woh din beet gaye ,
Jab chut mein kheti hoti thi,
Ab land ki fusslo ki khatir,
Humne ise banjar bana diya.

Munni woh din yaad karo
Jab luka chipi khelte the,
Tum lahanga pahan kar aati thi,
Aur hum usme chup jate the.
Munna woh din beet gaye,
Jab hamne tumhe chupaya tha,
Ab tum to jaat ke bhalu ho,
Lahange me shahad ka chhatta hai.



Munni woh din yaad karo,
Jab sath deewali khele the,
Tum chut pe tikli rakhti thi ,
Hum land se foda karte the.
Munna woh din beet gaye,
Jab chut pe tikli fodi thi.
Ab chut hamari pyari hai,
Aur loda tera bhikhari hai.

Munni woh din beet gaye
Han munni woh din beet gaye.
Ab chut ke darshan ki khatir ,
Hum chut chalisa padhte hai,
Par chut nahi darshan deti,
Hum land se ladte rahte hai.
Par waqt hamara aayega.
Jab hum bhi tum ko chodenge,
Tum land land chillaogi
Hum chut me danda pelenge.
Munni munne ko kam na samajh
Yeh teri phudi chodega..
Tu pair pakad kar royegi..
Teri chut me keeel (nails) thokega



 

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